Sad desperate wife

My Husband Cheated And I Can’t Get Over It! Experts Answer!

Infidelity is the most destructive thing that can happen in a marriage. Being lied to is not a sign of love but rather proof of a lack of respect and boundaries.

After discovering infidelity, people experience a rollercoaster of emotions. They are often unable to think straight and there are some important decisions to make.

When this happens, there is one question that commonly arises at such a time: whether trust your husband again or let him go?

When a partner trusts another completely, and if he is betrayed it comes as a total shock for the individual.

Getting your mind straight may seem impossible but has to be done in order to set things straight between you and your spouse.

Yet, there are a few steps you can take to help you identify the right decision to do for your marriage.

First things first, don't jump to conclusions!

When you first discovered your husband was cheating on you, the feeling was like a thousand arrows stuck in your heart.

I don’t know how you found out that your husband has cheated, but I suppose you have evidence.

If not, I urge you to make sure that it’s true, and not just base it on your suspicions or feelings.

Because you feel betrayed, your first instinct is usually anger, followed by the desire to leave or fight.

After you calm down, however, you realize that leaving will cause you to lose a lot and may hurt your children.

Couple conflict agry woman and man

Don’t make a rash decision after the damage has been done, that you may regret later.

It’s possible to find an extraordinary love after divorcing late in life, but most of the wives report the potential partners out there are no better than the ones they left.

Discuss "Why did he cheat?"

First of all, do not try to understand the logic behind the affair. Face your spouse about it, ask them why he did it, but do not try to understand his reasons and blame yourself.

However, you must try and discuss these reasons with your spouse. If there were issues in the relationship, your partner should put their energy into finding a solution within the marriage.

Ask him what went wrong and why he felt it was better to solve his problems with someone else.

The affair may have happened after long-standing problems in the marriage, which could be corrected to the satisfaction of both partners.

Sam Keen

No one is perfect – no matter how you viewed each other on your wedding day. Sometimes, by learning to continually accept and even forgive your spouse’s imperfections you can develop greater compassion and love.

Sam Keen

American author

While I don’t think you should stay and suffer if nothing’s working. Yet, I see many couples who do the work and end up happier than before.

Often dissatisfaction rises from resentment, and the relationship base could be fixed with the help of counseling.

If both partners are willing to change what’s not working, a marriage can be improved and turned into a pleasurable life of enjoyable companionship.

6 common Reasons Why Men Cheat In Marriage:
  • Boredom
  • Feeling unappreciated
  • Traumatic Events
  • Lack of sex in the relationship
  • Growing apart
  • Falling out of love

If he does come clean, what happens next?

Because a very, very small percentage of men will ever confess to cheating on their wives.

If your husband has shown the bravery to admit to an affair without you having to put pressure, accuse him, or catch him in the act.

That means he’s really regretting the thing he did behind your back, and he really deserves to be heard. So, in my opinion, he deserves a second chance.

It’s so important to have an extended conversation with your spouse to understand the main reasons that led him to do that.

And here are some essential questions you need to ask:

  • Do you believe your husband has only done this one time and will never do it again?
  • Was it a long-term affair?
  • Was there something he was getting from the other relationship that you simply can’t give him?
  • Do you think he’ll have this kind of relationship again during the course of your marriage?
  • Is this becoming a bad habit in your marriage?

Top reasons to stay with your husband:

  • Your spouse truly recognizes he has a problem, willing to get help to fix it, and is accountable for rebuilding trust.
  • You two are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.
  • You’re getting your own sex life back on track if it was off track.
  • You have a long, shared history, joint finances, and family ties that make it worth keeping the marriage together.
  • You still love each other, and it’s clearly mutual.

how to start the healing process?

If you’ve decided for any reason to forgive your partner. And move on to fix the pain points in the relationship.

Here are the steps to do that;

Step1: Resolve underlying issues

Try to understand why your husband felt the need to have an affair.

Unless these issues come out in the open and are resolved, the problem is likely to persist.

Don’t ignore these issues and try to move on in the relationship thinking that everything will automatically become normal.

Talking about the affair proves to be a healing process for both partners and essential if they want to save their marriage after infidelity.

Step2: Increase communication skills

If your husband is still hiding the details of the affair with you then it is difficult to start the process of rebuilding the trust again.

Good communication skills build a strong foundation and are an essential ingredient of a trusting relationship.

You have to let your husband know about your need to settle these issues before you can move on in your marriage after infidelity.

dr. karen finn

Infidelity is mentally, emotionally, and physically painful to the betrayed spouse. Be gentle with yourself as you heal.

Dr. Karen Finn

Life & divorce coach

Step3: Let go of doubt

If you have any doubts you need to discuss them with your husband. At this juncture, the worst thing you can do is to keep harboring thoughts and images about the affair and mistrusting your husband at every step.

If you have decided to make your marriage work then you need to give it your best and keep a positive attitude.

Step4: Make a renewed effort in the relationship

Many husbands are so remorseful after their affair that they put in an extra effort to make it right afterward.

If this is the case with you, then try to be sensorial to his efforts and also reciprocate his feelings in rebuilding the relationship.

If he doesn't come clean...

According to selfgrowth.com, There are many reasons why men cheat and lie.
The main 2 reasons are;

  • Men cheat because they think they are smart enough to get away with it.
  • Men lie because they get caught cheating and try to cover up their infidelity.

If after weeks you choose to not trust your husband again no matter how many changes he has tried to make, it is okay. Don’t allow him to make you feel regretful.

Remember, he was the one who brought this situation to you, not you. He was the one who ruined your trust, not you.

You must do what is best for all involved, and reengaging in a marriage where trust does not exist is the absolute worst choice of all. Stop your failures and move ahead as a strong, independent woman.

Top reasons to let go:
  • Your hubby is in contradiction, makes excuses, and blames you. This means he is invested in the cheating behavior, and not ready to change.
  • You are done, no longer feel connected, and not able to work on fixing it. Be sure this isn’t just temporary anger.
  • You are prepared to be on your own.
  • You either have no children, they’ve grown, or you’re certain a divorce will be better for them than what’s going on.
  • Your husband refuses to give up the other relationship, or infidelity in general.

the bottom line

Infidelity is not only heartbreaking, it’s shameful. It destroys beautiful relationships and ruins millions of families every year.

Many people have to live with the guilt that their mistake has caused them, but those around them have to live with the pain.

If you have decided to hold on to your marriage. You have to accept that it will take time to get your marriage back to track and give yourself some space to trust him again.

Understanding how to deal with a cheating spouse is the most necessary part of taking back control of your life after the destruction he has wreaked.

Many couples have walked this path and if you’re finding it a difficult journey, know there are plenty of online resources, support groups, and marriage counselors which can help clarify the steps needed to rebuild a happy strong marriage.

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